220, number 20

2007-06-09 / 12:30 a.m.

My apartment has entered that strange stage of moving-related disarray that makes me do a double take when I come in the door: it doesn't look like my apartment anymore. I started to realize today how much I'll miss this place. Good old 220, #20, which now feels more like capital-H-home than my mother's house in Marietta.

I'll miss my front door, which manages to display the number 20 a record four times. The reason for the reiteration is not known. I learned to make lasagna, tzatziki sauce, and a good gin and tonic here. I covered the top of the microwave with action figures and plastic aminals. This apartment has seen some heartbreakingly terrible fights, but also some amazing sex. I wrote some mediocre papers here, but also produced some fabulous ones: see the municipal recycling paper and the second GA lottery paper. Me and Lucy had a happy little home here for the last two years and a month. I think we'll both miss it lots. This is almost definitely the last entry I'll compose and upload from this address, making it the seventh major location from which this mess has been published. I count Buenos Aires as one location, as I could never have kept track of all the public computers I used to do this dirty deed.

Leaving is also bittersweet because it seems like just about every corner of this place is intimately tied to some memory of R. Almost all happy memories, but they're still unwelcome right now. It's too hard to think about how fun things used to be now that he's made his contempt for me so clear. I think it'll be good to get some more distance. Seal away any remaining R-related stuff that's worth saving, put it in the attic, and make some new memories in my new place.

Bluuuuggh. Enough of that.

I was going to talk about yesterday's taekwondo class and how much I�ll miss that, but I think I've reached (and exceeded) my emo writing limit for the night.

To disemo things for a second, the last few weeks here have been unexpectedly amazing. I've met so many people and had so much fun. I wish I would have had the foresight to make some changes earlier. Sigh. If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candy and nuts...
I did karaoke on Wednesday night, I can't believe it. I can halfway strikeout item number 22 on the things to do before I die list...I can't cross it off all the way, because I don't think most of the people there could hear me, and I did it with two other people. That's kind of not a sufficiently embarrassing a karaoke experience to warrant crossing karaoke off the B-I-D list. The other chick I was there with, we decided that we wanted to do something together--but since nether of us could sing, we would choose something that either didn't require real singing, or something that we could do comically badly. We chose the former, and went with "The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang. I still remember every word of that song, scouts honor, and can belt it out in tempo. I don't know whether I should be proud of that or not, but whatever. I impressed my karaoke co-conspirators with my mad lyrics recall skizzilz.

Okay. I guess that's all I have to say now. Packing sucks, moving is kind of getting me down tonight, and I'm hungry. Poof, you're a sandwich.

manic moving

2007-06-06 / 12:55 p.m.

Short update with sentence fragments.

Packing is a huge pain in the ass. I'm so glad that I decided to sell a bunch of stuff. By the way, do you need a microwave? A table? Special journal reader discount!

I definitely got the apartment. If you know me in real life and want my future coordinates, e-mail me. You know the address, [email protected]. I hope to see you on my hardwood floors, enjoying my rad highlands location once I'm settled in. <3

Considering how many people possess a gmail address in that format, firstname.lastname, I've often thought it would be amusing to register [email protected], it's taken.

Starting Sunday, Lucy and I will be living with my Aunt and Uncle (C&D) in stockbridge. I'm looking forward to it actually, it'll be nice to have a backyard for a week or two. Not to mention that bathtub, yowza. On the 1st of July, I'll be moving boxes into the new place, and I'll probably start living there on the 4th, or the weekend after. They're going to paint, so I'll move in whenever the fumes have dissipated.

My money situation is getting terrible, though unfortunately that hasn't stopped me from buying stuff. At least now I know I can pay for everything this time next month. I bought a new magic bullet off ebay, the swank one with the blender and juicing attachment. I also bought a stick vacuum off amazon.com because it had good ratings and free shipping. Honestly though, both of these are quasi-necessities for my new place. I sold my full-sized blender and my chopper so I have no devices to puree, dice, liquefy, etc. Also, I don't know how long I could go without strangling Lucy without a little sweeper that worked well on my new hardwood floors.

Have you looked at the new button in my sidebar? I like this idea....I've been saying for a long time that environmental responsibility is hugely patriotic, and that conversely, not respecting and protecting natural resources is unpatriotic. How can you claim to love it, yet make no effort to stop destroying it. I don't mean you have to be a hardcore, composting hippie--but it seems really unAmerican to not recycle, to drive a giant car if you don't need it, to let our native species dwindle...

R's stuff is all gone. He sent some girl I've never met to come and get it, but I wasn't home to see her. I realized yesterday that I'm not sad about our breakup at all, but I'm pretty torn up about how he treated my attempt at diplomacy and a future friendship. It shouldn't bother me, but the fact that he seems to consider everything to be my fault chafes me a bit too. Also not thrilled that he thinks I cost him a client. Anyway, I get particularly aware after taekwondo that I don�t have anyone to talk to about martial arts geekery�..except my journal!

Speaking of, I actually feel like I made a little bit of progress in that area this week. On sparring night, I got the usual crap beaten out of me, but I also had a couple of rounds where I did quite well. Last night, I managed to execute several nice flip kicks without putting my foot down in between�at least four, maybe five, with varied targets. In other words, I am awesome. There don't seem to be a lot of TKD schools near my new place, so I�m thinking of trying a new style. Hopefully at a school with a separate adult class that�s well attended by actual adults, rather than high schoolers. A lot of hot guys is also a plus.

Got my new work assignment today, well, sort of. I got my team, but they�re not sure which project I'll be working with yet. Both are tax policy kinds of projects though. Not my top choice of teams, but one I knew I'd work for at some point. Honestly, I'm worried to be working on a team that does tax systems when I can't even fill out my own W-4 correctly. I don't really know many of the supervisors in this area, so I'm curious to see what it'll be like.

Thinking of starting a new, more anonymous, blog so I don't feel so cagey talking about work.

Time for more packing!

Near the electric company. If you pass Pennslyvania RR, you've gone too far.

2007-05-30 / 2:40 p.m.

I've decided that it isn't worth putting my life on hold to save money. I think that if I live in my Aunt and Uncle's apartment way down south, I'll be lonely all the time, especially now that R is out of the picture. Plus, being in the car/traffic makes me anxious and upset, and my social conscience would ache knowing that I'm driving 74+ miles daily. I'm pretty sure the commute would make me miserable. Yes, it would be the fiscally responsible, practical thing to do, but I just don't want to do it anymore--life is too fucking short.

That said, provided that my rental application goes through without any problems, I'll be living in Virginia Highlands starting July 1. I chose the apartment that's kind of boring outside, and not on as pretty a street as the other I looked at, but is much nicer and somewhat larger inside. It's small, but not tiny. The floors and walls are in great shape, and the windows and blinds are new. There are lots of windows too, which will be a nice change. I like the landlord. There's a laundry room in the basement and the apartment has central air. I have a silly little porch and my own parking space--though any friends I make will have to find street parking, though it didn't seem as congested as some of the other blocks. It's less than a mile from everything good. It isn't perfect, but I liked it, and I think it will feel really cozy and nice once I get everything arranged. I'm not super pleased about 2.5 weeks of living limbo, but I think I can make it work...

That said, I know this is a stretch, but is there anyone who has room who might let me stay overnight at their place during the week, or maybe just for two or three days at a time? I start work on June 11, and will most likely move in to the new apartment on the first of July. Commuting back and forth from Athens to Atlanta daily is a bit on the absurd end when I could maybe just find someone whose apartment I could crash at (with Lucy...) during the work week. I could stay with my mom, but that is not my first choice. Wherever I went, I'd keep Lucy locked up in whatever room I was staying in. Just throwing that out there.

Good lord, now I just have to figure out how to tell my relatives that I'm backing out on living with them. "Hi, Favorite Uncle. You cleaned out that whole basement for nothing! Ha ha, isn't that funny...."

But hey, practicality and uncomfortable telephone calls and favor requests aside, housewarming party in August? Whheeeee!

P.s. Buy some of my crap New stuff added daily.

Mansion, Shack, Apartment, House

2007-05-28 / 7:10 p.m.

More decisions, please!
So I went to look at the carriage house in Midtown / the Highlands (It�s close to both, I don�t know which neighborhood it�s in technically) today. It�s, well, interesting. I will know tomorrow or the next day whether I got it or not (there are a few people trying for it I guess), but I�m not sure what to do in the event that I do get it. I keep wanting to call it an �apartment,� but it�s more of a tiny house, approaching what I�d call a �shack.� Anyway�.On the one hand, it�s a teeny tiny place. I will have to get rid of lots of stuff if I do end up moving there. It�s also not in the best shape. Nothing�s broken, it�s just old and kind of shabby looking, with very ugly walls.

But then again, there are definite, significant positives. The location is awesome. A half mile from Piedmont Park, one block from a pretty local park, half a mile from the highlands. The neighborhood is beautiful and green, and full of people who seem friendly. It�s a completely separate building behind a gorgeous old house, which means it�s quiet. Also, while it isn't pristine, it isn't filthy either, and it definitely has character. There's something cozy and fun about a tiny little house. The rent is also very doable; $695, and it includes utilities.

Is the price and awesome location enough to balance out how tiny the house is? I�m leaning toward yes�but then everytime I decide that I�ll sign a lease if it�s offered, I think of the concessions I�ll have to make to live in a tiny house. Please give me advices, amigos.

My original resolve to live with the aunt and uncle way down south is dissolving. Rapidly.

More later on my fabulous weekend!

update: I was rejected from the shack! Alas! However, I did look at two places today--one that was better-than-good-but-not-perfect on the inside and OK on the outside, and another that was great on the outside, but only OK on the inside. I'm going to fill applications for both, but will definitely snap up the former if I get it.

Seeking good looking, tidy, gainfully employed man in his 20s with room to rent

2007-05-21 / 3:45 p.m.

As any occasional reader will remember, I�m about to move into my aunt and uncle�s basement. It isn�t that I can�t afford an apartment�my future salary is enough to have a place of my own�but I want to save up money and get a robust start on paying off loans and credit cards. As a quick overview, there are definite pros and cons to living in the basement.

Pros	Cons
No rent! Just paying the added cost of utilities! And I assume they won�t even charge me a cut for the high speed internet and zillion channel cable.	Even though I�ve stressed that I want to be treated like any average tenant, my aunt is friendly and prone to excessive chattiness. There is a definite danger I will have to have an uncomfortable talk with her about leaving me the hell alone
The house is nice, and has a big beautiful back yard with a creek and woods and deer and bunnies and all kinds of wonderful things. Not only do I like the atmosphere, but Lucy will be beside herself with joy now that she can go outside again. She is so freaking cute with her little harness and leash on! <3 <3 <3	My 40 year-old super weird, and generally icky cousin still lives in their house. While the basement suite I�ll be living in is totally separate from the house, he�s still around. He also has a history of hunting deer in his parent�s back yard. Gross, gross, gross, gross. I�m pretty sure my aunt and unlcle have forbidden this disgusting pastime in their yard, it still give you an idea of how icky he is. Seriously, it isn�t like my family is super refined or anything, but he�s the only honest-to-God freaky redneck on my mother�s side.
Washer and dryer. New ones. Fancy ones that can wash 2 tons of clothes at once, and never mess up your clothes. And I don�t have to put a single fucking quarter into them.	The biggest �con� of all: It�s a million miles to work�Google says 36.8. This is not a commute I can continue to make for more than a few weeks.

Annnnyway. My original plan was to settle in there long enough to figure out my budget, and prioritize things I need to purchase, figure out a timetable for paying off loans, then start looking for a place. A new colleague of mine rented a place right on the access road about 2 minutes from work for only $850 a month, which is pretty good. It�s also only a short drive from there to Decatur, and an even shorter drive to the best dim sum place I know of. delicious!
Now though, I�m starting to think about the possibility of moving in with roommate(s). In college and grad school, I was pretty adamant about living alone. Since I worked primarily from home, and spent a pretty healthy chunk of my leisure time here too, I wanted to make sure I had my space. I needed quiet to work, and privacy to properly decompress. However, now that I�ll be working in an office as opposed to on my couch, I don�t see why I couldn�t share an apartment or a house with someone else. I�m not picky about gender, and I�m not concerned with their private lives. I�d just want someone quiet, friendly, and clean who didn�t have any mammalian pets, who also could love Lucy. That�s the catch�they can�t just tolerate cats, they have to like them. Lucy sheds enough that you really have to want to have her around to keep from strangling her. Ideally, a roommate would mean a better location and/or better place than I could have on my own.
Also, I figure that if I move in with people I like, I�ll have a good opening to make new friends, and get a nice in into new social groups. I need friends more than anything else, and this seems like a reasonable way to meet new people. I just have to make sure I can get a good sense of the people I�ll be living with before I sign a lease, and I wonder how realistic that is.

Plus, a penny saved is a penny put toward something on my wish list. There�s lots of stuff I really want, ranging from small and silly to big and important--some of it I�ll be able to afford someday soon. The Sunfire is on it�s last legs (last wheels?) and will need to be replaced soon. In fantasy land, I�ll buy a 2006 or 2007 Prius, but it�s somewhat more likely that I�ll choose a less expensive fuel-efficient pre-owned car�maybe a Civic? In addition to the car, I am seriously considering some cosmetic surgery, but not really for purely cosmetic purposes. I know it�s likely considered gauche to talk about plastic surgery, but I�m not ashamed and I value what other people have to say about it. It�s no secret that I have kind of a funny body even though I�m in good shape and exercise regularly. The fact of the matter is that it�s become intrusive�I can�t find clothes that fit properly, and stuff that does fit is frequently uncomfortable. And I�m not going to pretend there isn�t a superficial element to this�I�m tired of not being able to wear cute clothes and being too embarrassed to go swimming without shorts on. This one might be out of my reach, but it�s still on my list. Then there�s all the littler stuff�vacation savings, a good juice extractor, a better camera, tae kwon do lessons, etc�

I was browsing Craig�s list today, and it made me think of the possibilities. It also made me kind of scared, as there seem to be a lot of crazies (and dog people) on there. I found one listing that looked great, until the suspicious inclusion of, �must be bi-curious�, preferably �college student, or recently out of a relationship.� Still, for every couple looking for a sexually curious co-ed, there�s a house full of hot 20-something guys with good jobs who want a fun, female roommate. : )

So, in closing, I�d really like any advice anyone has to give on roommates, finding roommates, how easy it is to get along with roommates, being friends versus peaceful coexistence with roommates, etc�.Chau, kids!

too many beaches that I like

2007-05-19 / 3:04 p.m.

Did anyone miss me? Probably not. It has been a long time since I�ve updated�not for lack of things to say, just, meh. Finishing school has been way weird. There�s been lots of thought about the future, and a whole lot of booze too. I�m sure I�ll chronicle a few choice events of the past two weeks sooner or later. Oh! Like when a chair ripped two holes in the ass of my jeans. At a bar. In front of a group of new friends. And a couple of really good looking nice guys�.aaaaand it was laundry day, so I was out of my regular unmentionables and I was wearing a thong. Good times, good times. It actually was not a huge deal, and I was pretty amused at the absurdity of it all. I realized what happened before anyone saw my pale fleshy posterior. I made a couple of jokes about it, backed out of the bar, and walked to my car with my (luckily) large purse slung so it covered the rips. Then I got a hoodie out of my car, tied it around my waist, and kept on rockin� it downtown until I had double vision. It was the third embarrassing thing to happen that week, so according to the rule of three, things should be copasetic for awhile.

Anyway, let�s just skip ahead to the present for the time being, or at least the more recent past.

I just got back from a slow, but relaxing vacation with the mother. We spent one night in a Biloxi casino-resort, and two days a few hours away at the beach in Gulf Shores, AL. The casino was more of a learning experience than anything. We lost everything we bet by the end of the night. Next time, I�m taking more money to the craps table, and will quit when I reach a certain percentage of my original gambling budget. Slots will only be played when I�m drunk and silly.

The beach in Gulf Shores was very very nice, much better than I expected. The weather was perfect aside from a couple of hours of rain the second afternoon. I spent most of my time laying on the beach reading. I read this start-to-finish, about a fourth of this, and an issue of glamour I found by the pool in Biloxi. It was a fun beach for swimming too, though I saw a disconcerting number of jellyfish and Portuguese man-of- war washed up on the sand, and the old lady sitting near us got stung a couple of times. The water was calm enough to swim and float around in past the breakers, but rough enough to have fun getting tossed around. It made me wish I had a more energetic traveling companion, as my mother is not really up for wiping out on a $1 walmart inflatable raft more than once or twice. I thought it was fun on a bun though.

And, like any proper vacation, I ate lots of delicious foods. Two local goodies that come from that part of Alabama are pecans and royal red shrimp. The shrimps are gigantic. We went to a steamed seafood place right on the beach ordered a big old bucked of them. They were delivered with the heads still on and everything, and you�d be right to assume that I spent at least a little time behaving like a 10 year-old boy, putting on a little play with a couple of them. On the morning we left, we went to another little fish place on the beach for breakfast, where I ate the most delicious pecan pancakes that could ever conceivably exist on this earth. I plan on attempting to replicate the recipe this weekend if anyone wants to come over for a test batch.

Ok. Time to go find my car downtown. Chau, kids!

Disfruiting this time as much as possible

2007-05-08 / 12:19 a.m.

I can�t believe I finish tomorrow. I can�t make up my mind between looking forward to the drinking, sleeping, reading for pleasure and clean laundry, or putting a bullet in my head. For the record, I really have put stuff off until the very last minute. The paper that�s due tomorrow still has a section that doesn�t really make any sense, and if I said I finished my program eval. final, I�d be lying.

3. Compare and contrast the ex-post facto research design with the one-shot case study. Why can the ex-post facto design be considered an actual research design whereas the one-shot case study cannot?
Both have hyphens separating the first two words of their names. Both are things we covered in the last couple weeks of class. Both have a similar ratio of vowels to consonants in their names. �Ex-post facto� is in Latin, while �one-shot case study� is in American. This makes the ex-post facto design seem a little bit more fancy. This is also why it is considered an actual research design where one-shot case study is not. �ex-post facto� designs originated with some lawyers. �one-shot case study� was invented once to try to predict what would happen to this one guy who was already pretty drunk when he did each additional shot of SoCo and lime. Both are very important to the study of impact analysis.

I didn�t think Spiderman was as bad as most of you did. It wasn�t great, but I didn�t expect it to be. Honestly, I found it refreshing to watch a superhero/comic book movie that didn�t take itself to freaking seriously. The last superhero movie I saw was probably X-Men, and it would have imploded if there had been one more tragic death. Yes, Spiderman 3 did take it a little too far in my opinion�the silliness lasted too long for a movie that already felt a little too compressed at 2 hours and 20 minutes. Still, the emoSpiderman business was funny, and I like to think the creators of the movie intended it to be. If it were my film, I�d cut the extended montage of Tobey Maguire being a douchebag down (though I�d definitely keep the part with Ursula feeding him cookies). I�d also recast Kirsten Dunst. I didn�t even mind the singing really, I just don�t like her. The rest of the cast? Heart heart heart. I loved Topher Grace, Tobey Maguire, James Franco and that guy from Wings. Not only did they do a good job in the movie, but I would also bed any one of them, or perhaps all of them at once. The end was schmaltzy, but again, I didn�t mind. It�s a comic book movie and I was glad that it was a little over the top. It was what I was in the mood for at the time, at least. Bring on the melodrama! Finally, I thought that the fighting was twice as badass as the previous movies, and the fact that I even noticed that is a testament to its non-suckage. I don�t know much about film special effects, but I thought that these looked good. I give the effects and superhero fighting both the best praise that my limited experience is capable of giving: both were fun to watch.

The rest of the week has been, well, not particularly journal worthy. I�ve done some homework. Went out a few times. Started a painting that�s turning out crappy. Got stupidly, embarrassingly drunk and passed out (consequently spent a day hungover). This has actually been a really fecund week for embarrassing myself, but overall nothing that would send me over the edge. Maybe my threshold for being sent over the edge has moved a bit.

I realized this weekend that while the restaurant scene in Athens is nothing to write home about, I�ll really miss the Grit. Ordering the little a la carte business is how I imagine having a mom that cooks. Mike and I went on Sunday, and I had black bean stew, broccoli with tasty butter stuff, and garlicy mashed potatoes. It was such a nice, cozy little meal, and nothing came from a can or a frozen box, which was such a refreshing change.

So, in a nutshell, I�m doing pretty good not succumbing to the gloom. (or denial? avoidance?). Despite the one night of drinking myself down a few brain cells, I�ve been having a good time.

Pictures of Spiderman!

2007-05-07 / 12:22 a.m.

Entry pending. I keep running out of time. Look here later on in the week for my opinions on Spiderman. As if anyone cares.

I can't fix any of the things I never meant to break.

Cut me a big slice of that social pie we found

2007-05-03 / 9:22 a.m.

But this is all, it�s just so, so, sudden. That�s right. Two in a row. I can do that, you know. This is my world, and you�re just living in it. Ha!

Last night in bed, I think my hearing was several hundred times stronger than it usually is. It was strange�I was laying in bed with the ipod going, and I can hear this faint clinking. I try to ignore it, but I�m irritated that I don�t know where it�s coming from, and it�s a noticeable sound even with the (annoying, ill-fitting) ear buds jammed in my cochlear region. After a few minutes of investigation, I realize it�s coming from the fridge. That one bottle of beer is just barely touching another, and the rumbling of the fridge motor is making one vibrate against the other to produce the delicate tinkling sound I heard. From my bed. On the other side of the apartment. With headphones on. This set the tone for the weirdness of the rest of the day.

Yes, it�s been a weird day indeed. Everything�s felt weirdly significant. It also feels like my brain isn�t really working quite right. I�ve been floaty and detached since Monday. Despite needing to study for a test I took today, I just kind of looked at the paper for a few minutes, and then spaced out. This happened repeatedly, Monday afternoon, and all day Tuesday. I�m kind of scared, actually, but I hope it�s just that I�m a little sick, or a little tired. Please don�t let me have killed too many brain cells.

It�s starting to feel like Summer now. There were only a few Springy days so far this year. I�m not sure when it started, but Spring-feeling spring days�the first few warm days of true spring, as opposed to a warm snap�give me a strange feeling of nervous anticipation in my gut. Something about the smell and the warmth and the light of the sun that�s still out at 8 o�clock causes some weird physiological response. It�s not just a happy-it�s-springtime feeling, it�s an anxiety that makes me feel like I have butterflies in my tummy. To be fair, I get the happy-it�s-springtime feeling too. This is different.

Hell yes I received Rob�s The Great Directors CD! I ordered Ben�s actual CD today too.

I ordered a book off half that was very significant to me when I read it as a young teenager. Reading it again now, and I get just as absorbed in it as I did then. Its silly cover belies its value as a good book (albeit young adult fiction), so I don�t know if it�s wise to disclose the title�I�m pretty sure I�d get made fun of without fair time. Every time I read this book, it makes me wonder about what happens when we die, and what makes two people fall in love, and why I don�t just stay in school like I want to.

I really, really want to, by the way. It�s just as well I can�t do it quite yet�there�s a definite danger of burnout on that path, but I still hope it�s in the cards for the future. I got a paper back today that I had been nervous about. Imagine how awesome it would have been had I not put it off until a week before it was due. Really, getting good grades it one of the things that makes me feel good about myself. And sometimes, that feeling is rare. I�m not lying when I say I don�t know where I�ll find validation of my skills and general awesomeness without a professor writing letters of the alphabet on things I produce. It was a long paper, too--about 30 pages. It has a nice feel to it.

A few weeks back, I wrote Jeffrey Rowland some fan mail. He replied! Though somehow it ended up sent to my mom�s address (not sure why that is), and I didn�t get it until Monday. He sent me a little note, and lots of stickers and stuff. I now have enough Sheriff Pony temporary tattoos to look like the least menacing biker this side of the Mississippi. I know there�s at least someone reading who appreciates this.

My mom bought me earrings made of color-change garnet. I had never heard of such a stone until last week. It�s not the super high quality kind that changes from a vibrant blue to a bright pink, but it�s still neat. It looks clear sometimes, amber other times, sometimes a tinge of green. The look different depending on the color I�m wearing and the kind of light. I know most of my readership isn�t concerned with my earrings, but I think they�re totally boss. And this is my world, remember?

clocks are ticking, hearts are beating.

2007-04-30 / 6:29 a.m.

OK! Five minute entry before I go to the gym and start a day choc full o� schoolishness.

It seems that I have gotten up early for the first time since about Thanksgiving. I suppose I�m going to have to get used to it soon, as it is nearing time to give up my self designed working schedule in favor of one that conforms to the rigid norms of the working world.

In this same spirit I�ve been motivated to try to absorb a lot of the college life in a short span of time. This has translated into staying up really late and drinking a lot. One the one hand, I wish I would have pushed myself to be this social earlier. On the other hand, I�ve spent too much money, and I feel strangely out of character. I worry that means I don�t have a real personality.

I�m starting to get really depressed about school winding down, and I�m not quite sure how to manage it. I want to go back and get another degree�and I�ll probably be able to do it in a few years if I still want to�.but it won�t be the same. I�ll be older. Capital O old even.

I wonder if there are people who, on a subconscious level, avoid experiences that are high cost and hard to replicate but that they believe have a high probability of being fabulous, because once they experience this fabulous thing, everything else will pale in comparison. A downgraded example of this might be something like the decision to buy mangoes instead of apples that the grocery store....Mangoes will end up being, like, $5 bucks more expensive and so much more delicious than apples; however, you can�t afford to buy mangoes again, and maybe your life wont be as conducive to enjoying mangoes either. Apples will seem lame by comparison for the rest of your life. Okay. I�m going to go ahead and admit that this metaphor doesn�t make a fucking ounce of sense. The thought I was trying to express doesn�t make much sense either. No more pseudocontemplative thoughts before breakfast.

This has been an excessively weird few months. I feel like I�ve been dreaming/nightmaring. If there�s a verb for �dream� there should be a verb for �nightmare.� FAIR TIME! Sometimes I can�t wake up, sometimes I don�t want to.

On a lighter note, a brief overview of how I spent the end of last week / the weekend.
Wednesday, I turned in a paper I had been working like crazy on. Life had caused me to procrastinate summat turrible, and I found myself at Hot Corner at 3:00 am Tuesday wondering what the hell was wrong with me for waiting so long to finish. I think it was because I never knew what I was talking about in the paper. Goodbye, political philosophy. You will be out of my life come Wednesday. I will carry some of your ideas into the next stage of my life, but not your shitty, shitty writing.
Thursday, I got my green belt! Huzzah! I went out with the TKD kids, then out drinkin� with Josh and his strange and antisocial friend. I felt defeated, because I could not possibly find a way to be charming�or even tolerable�to Josh�s antisocial friend. Josh swears it isn�t me. Didn�t drink much, but I sure as hell stayed out late. Another >5 hour night of sleep.
Friday afternoon, I entertained at my apartment (!). Some people I study with came over to map out a game plan for dividing up the work. I made 7 layer dip with homemade guac, rolly sandwiches, fruit and dip, and bought sundry junkfood. After 10 minutes of actual work, the beer-drinking portion of the afternoon began. Trader Joes, I <3 your heiferweizen. Is that even close to correct spelling? I need to get out of here, so I�m not going to check. That night, I went downtown for a few minutes, then Mike came over. He showed me the sad episode of NewsRadio where Bill dies. It was good, but, well, sad. But it�s okay though�.because it�s just TV�.right? Right guys? No one really died�Right?
Saturday I visited Mike again for a few minutes, then went with some friends downtown for the whole Twilight business. It was awesome. Great scene, I got to hang out with lots of new people (Holy crap, the secret to getting people to like you is to wait until they�re drinking and then get to know them. Other people�s tipsiness seems to cancel out the fact that I make a strange first impression). I should have started going out earlier. It was fabulous to feel like I had friends again. I also got really drunk. Just a really pleasant night. The kind of night where you wake up the next day, and there�s a half a roast beef sandwich in your purse and you don't remember why for a few minutes. And you�re thinking back to make sure you didn�t do anything too stupid the night before. And you�re making your famous scrambled eggs for the guy that crashed on your sofa, and you don�t know how to get him home because the bus doesn�t run Sundays.

I�m short-term happy, long-term depressed. Thrilled and desperate.

Deepest cave

2007-04-24 / 1:49 a.m.

I went and played with the bo staff on Sunday. It was fun, and surprisingly functional. Apparently, lots of people do fancy dandy twirling kind of bo staff stuff that looks a lot like a baton routine. I learned on Sunday that those kinds of skills are for Jackie Chan and people who suck. Instead, I learned how to hit someone in the face really hard with a heavy wooden stick�.much too heavy to twirl like a nancyboy. It was pretty easy to pick up the basics too, which is unusual for me. For example: one hard thwack to my knuckles was all it took to make me block correctly. Easy enough. The downside is that I had to buy a staff to play. But, on the upside, I have my own staff now�.I suppose that counts as an upside (I have trouble determining). The only place I have to store it is under the bed. If someone were to break into my house, they would likely leave bruised.

Who�s from Louisiana and visits my page via Roger�s site? I�m wondering if this is an actual entity, or site meter going crazy and thinking that Georgia = Louisiana.

No one comments anymore. Commenting on my page is out, commenting on Kyle�s page is in. I thought the previous entry was entertaining, of an appropriate length, and enhanced with images. I would have commented.

I�m winding down from another late night of working on one of my papers. Unfortunately, it still sucks. The research itself has been interesting, but trying to bend it into the topic I choose is a buzzkill. I wish I just could have written a paper on zany problems at the FDA. Who cares about managerial implications and organizational change?

I really want to go back to school and get a masters in experimental nutso economics. My new fantasy is to be a professor. who sleeps until 10:00 everyday and works from home (with the cats), likely wearing whatever she slept in.

When I was in the first grade, the school counselor came and talked to my class about what to do when we felt angry. She did it though the maw of a dolphin puppet named Duso. One of Duso�s suggestions was to �hit a pillow� when we felt angry. What is the adult version of this? Is it punching the fender of your shitty old car? Because I can tell you, that�s not a bad outlet to an upswell of emotion. No one is hurt, and once you�ve hit your own car, you�ve likely forgotten why you were upset in the first place. You�re probably busy laughing at your own asinine behavior and/or icing your black and blue fist. (A quick google search reveals that I am not the only person who remembers Duso. I also learned that DUSO is an acronym for some child psych thing. I feel cheated.)

My house is so freaking messy due to my busyness that I can�t find the charger for the phone, and now the battery is dead. If you were going to call me, that�s probably why I�m not answering.

I�m pretty punchy right now. In one of those horrible states where I desperately need sleep, but don�t feel terribly sleepy, and am not inclined to go to sleep. This entry reads like my brain is thinking now: crapily.

I wish I had an excuse to wear my confidence dress again.

This is why the paper still isn't done.

2007-04-22 / 10:57 a.m.

Look mom! I�m procrastinating! Seriously though, after this, I�m going to work super hard. If I don�t finish revising this draft of my philosophy/economics paper, I�m not going to let myself go fight with sticks.

Last night was the program banquet. Normally, this would not be a super-exciting event, but I was thrilled because I finally had an opportunity to wear the fabulous dresses that�s been hanging in my closet with tags still on for over six months. I don�t know how I look to other people in this dress, but in my own mind, I am a stone cold fox. This is an unusual feeling for me, so I was probably overly giddy about things, but whatever. After the banquet, I went to Allgoods with some very cool people, and it was fun. It was a cool bar, and they played unusually good music, in my opinion. Usually, when I go out around Athens, I�m under-dressed compared to most girls; ladies in Athens get dressed up to go downtown�cocktail dresses and such, so in jeans (even clean ones) I look like a rube. You should have seen me last night�this is my confidence dress, people! I need to wear it all the time. There wasn�t really anyone around that I wanted to ask to take my picture, so I snapped a couple with the timer when I got home. The quality is low, but since I did an 8-year-old-girl-style spin with the jitter protection on, you get to see the sexy back. Regretfully, this picture does not capture the awesomeness of the dress�there�s a little sash on the side, and it�s gathered in the middle. The criss-cross in the back is a continuation of the front, and the front is two separate pieces that come up from the waist, almost like a bikini top? I know that doesn�t make much sense, but essentially, there�s no side to the dress, it�s open all the way from the side-boob (if I had any semblance of side-boob) to the back. I taped it to me for security�s sake. Okay, no one cares, I know.

Unfortunately, while I didn�t really drink much at Allgoods, I did stay out way way way too late. Part of this was the excellence of my company and the other part is that I�m absolutely terrified of getting pulled over, so I wanted to make sure they two beers I had were more-or-less out of my system. Now, it�s time to buckle down and work, and I�m stupidly tired. I would have slept later, but the jerks next door were having a loud conversation outside on the corner, which happens to be about 9 feet below my open bedroom window. This rivals yesterday, where one of the guys with a juiced up car stereo (the nicer guy) was working on his car with the doors open and the speakers blasting at 8:30 am on a Saturday morning. Granted, he was a few yards across the way, but his stereo is apparently very powerful. Deliriously tired, I actually put on a hoodie and went out to ask him (nicely) to turn it down. I probably looked like the craziest neighbor. Since I got my hair cut, the bedhead is insane. Added bonus: the bedhead was exacerbated by the fact that the product I had styled my hair with the night before was still achieving the promised, �extra hold.� He was sweet about it, apologized, and did turn it down, but I only got about another 20 minutes of (low quality) sleep afterwards.

Like drinkin' from an empty cup

2007-04-21 / 2:19 a.m.

I�m not going to lie, folks�things are bleak here. I�ve been on a steady diet of anguish and powerlessness, and I�ve been getting 8 full servings of regret a day. I like to wash it down with gin. Let�s not talk about it though. It�s not really entertaining or appropriate, not to mention the fact that I�m not convinced that this isn�t all just some zany nightmare. And, if it�s not a nightmare, I suppose it serves me well to remember that the universe can be surprising and unpredictable, and things don�t always end up the way one would expect. Nor do things always follow the worst possible course. Sometimes I indulge with a twist of hope in my gin.

I wish I could get it through my skull that these papers are due in less than three days. I�ve already become painfully aware of the fact that I�m almost done with school, you�d think this would follow natually

I�m thinking of going on a hippie-style cleansing fast. I�m not sure if I can handle it though�10 days is a long time to go without solid food. Still, the people on the internets say it feels pretty awesome once you�re done. �something about toxins, you know. You pretty much, um, eliminate everything, and it�s supposed to make you feel all fabulous. People who have done it say that their sense of taste and smell is enhanced, that they�re more energetic, and that they�re happier. Granted, they�re probably happy because they�re experiencing the wacky physiological effects of starving, but still! Really, hunger aside, I can�t picture 10+ days with booze or uppers or chocolate or my weekly fast-food fix (guilty as charged, please drive around, thank you.). Well, if I�m going to do it, I�m going to start Wednesday�that way, I�ll be done by the time finals are over, and can participate with any debauchery that goes on. mmmm, I�m excited about it, but don�t want to ruin 2 weeks of my life abstaining from everything good. It�s doubtful that I will do it at this juncture. The hippie book says to do it for no less than 10 days, but that�s just too frickin� long for the time being. Not because I can�t go without food, but because I don�t want to turn down opportunities to socialize downtown because I�m not allowed any beer, or opportunities to do, um, other things that college kids do. So maybe I can find a more moderate cleansing fast. Five days sounds about my speed.

There we go. The alcohol has just kicked in. Fantastic. Time to wrap up and go to sleep.

In closing, I�m going to learn some mad bo staff skills on Sunday. I�m going to be the most geeky, lethal woman on the planet. I�m really getting quite good at the tae kwon do (henceforth referred as TKD), you know. I was surprised about how incredibly hard my ridge hands and suto strikes fell Thursday night. The kid I was working with was floored that a 24 (gasp! I�m old!) year-old woman could knock him off his balance with a really fast strike. To be fair, I was under significant stress, which makes me 40% more lethal than usual. Also, I can kick someone taller than I in the head. My test is Tuesday, and while I�m under-prepared, I�m still awesome.. Green belt, here I come!

OK, it�s bedtime. I�m done with this for tonight. It�s time to come face to face with all the thoughts I�ve been holding at bay. Goodnight.

growing up to be just a little like my parents.

2007-04-17 / 9:08 a.m.

Just taking some slack time to write a bit about my fabulous life as of late. Really busy with school stuff that I�ve put off too long. The worst problem with this is that I�m not really sufficiently nervous about the extremely short time I�ve got to finish everything�I need that fear to keep me motivated, and it isn�t there right now. Not totally sure why. So, while it sounds odd, I hope I get more stressed out today. An increase in stress will probably knock out my newfound tendency to play tetris on the DS for 45 minutes at a time. The pear doesn�t fall far from the tree I guess.

I wish I was enjoying my end-of-semester projects more, but I�m not excited about any of the topics I�m working on. �Though I do have the advantage of writing about the HOPE scholarship again, which means that I�ve already got a huge bibliography to pull from because I�ve done research on it for several things since college. Ask me about the HOPE scholarship and the lottery, I dare you. Anyway, I don�t want to be done with school, and I wish my final days were awesomer. When I perform well in school, it makes me feel good about myself; I wonder where I�ll find validation in grown-up world. Probably nowhere. Tetris victories? No, probably not.

Actually, I decided that once I�m able to move back into town out of C&D�s basement, I�m going to take lots of continuing education courses. I�m not sure if this will turn into years of taking sculpting classes at Kennesaw, or maybe getting a second degree at night from Georgia State.

Lately, I haven�t been sleeping as much as I should. When I don�t feel like going to bed, I�ve been reading Photoshop tutorials on the internet and trying to learn stuff. I�ve already learned some good basics this week�I�ve gotten better at using layer masks and selecting with the pen tool. This has translated into cutting people out and putting them in outlandish backgrounds, changing the color of my hair, colorizing black and white photos, and trying to make people look like they�ve been beaten up (I like the latter more)�

I vowed to use LastFM to find some new music to listen to, but so far all I do is marvel at my own aggregated listening statistics, and curiously poke around what other people are listening to without really putting forth the effort to listen to unfamiliar stuff. I like having a subscription though�it�s finally starting to reflect the fact that I�ve been listening to music more lately, and vaguely indicative of my mood as of late. Maybe. Sometimes it makes me feel like a low-grade stalker to see what people are listening to in (almost) real time. I think I should give Lilly Allen a try, people keep telling me she�s entertaining.

The Virginia Tech shooting makes me extraordinarily sad. I don�t have anything insightful or interesting to say about it, so I�ll move on.

Does anyone else find that the hot and cold handles on your kitchen and/or bathroom faucets always need cleaning? I need a voice-activated faucet to avoid transferring whatever crap is about to get washed off my hands from getting stuck to the handles of the faucet.

Ugh. I had to pay taxes this year-- I didn�t mark enough to be withheld at GAO over the summer. I just logged into my bank account to pay bills, and was shocked to see my account balance was $78.61 with a week and a half until payday. Alas. I�m all about taxes. I mean, I�m probably one of the most pro-tax people you know�.That�s in general, I�m not particularly fond of where the revenues are going now�I just believe in taxes as a feasible mechanism and redistribution necessary. I won�t get into why, because that�s boring. ANYWAY, I�m all about taxes, but I can�t believe that someone in my position isn�t taxed at a lower rate. This economics-meets-philosophy class I�m taking makes me think a lot about desert (not dessert, not the thing with sand), and I�m not sure I deserve to be paying so much for an income of $21,000. Poo.

I want a new design for this page, but my resident designer is A. busy and B. hardly ever using the internets. Maybe I'll add some computer voodoo to the list of things I want to learn when I have time and money to get someone to teach me.

OK, no more slacking. And for that matter, no more photoshop or tetris until after 10:00 pm for the rest of the week.

Writing fiction, cleaning the kitchen

2007-04-11 / 10:52 a.m.

The dark circle under my left eye is darker and heavier than the one under my right eye. I thought it might just be smudged eye makeup, but it�s not. I stayed out too late for a Tuesday night yesterday for sure.

I was supposed to go to the relay fund raiser concert at some bar downtown. It was scheduled to start early, so I figured I�d drop in after class, pay the cover, have a $2 beer, and go home. Obviously though, it did not start early, and I found myself in Athens with little to do, wondering whether I should give up, or just kill an hour and go back to the benefit concert. Thankfully, Mike is usually willing to consume the alcohol with me, and he tore himself away from cleaning his kitchen (when he said it on the phone, I thought he said he was �writing fiction,� which seemed unlikely) to come downtown for awhile. As expected, drinking at bars is more expensive than drinking alone at home, but a little less depressing. We went to a couple of bars, and then to the benefit concert which was, um, a little weak from what we saw. None of my posse from tae kwon do was there at the time, and the �band� that was on when we arrived was a little bit hilarious. Join me in this mental picture: two typical UGA students�White guys, shaggy haircuts, frayed baseball caps, polo shirts and khaki shorts. One is playing baseline on the guitar, and the other is covering �This is Why I�m Hot� (MIMS). There were a couple more hiphop songs, but then it regressed, as it always seems to, into �Sweet Home Alabama,� so Mike and I made our exit. Because Mike is an excellent guy, he let my tipsy ass hang out at his house before I drove home. I babbled on about various things, and we watched the episode of News Radio where Dave has high blood pressure, and gets addicted to listening to the sound machine. A bright point in a week that�s been shiteous so far. Of course, now I�m paying the price�6 hours of sleep, and the homework still isn�t done. Oh well.

Also: we did a wonderful hands-on activity in program evaluation last week that I�m amused by, so it will be shared with you! This comes from the professor who is the king of self-deprecating jokes, and who I have a not-secret silly crush on. The idea was that, to use some of the experimental models we�ve been working with, we�d do a randomized experiment in class and regress & play with the results. He decided to divide the class randomly, administer a pre-test on a topic, then teach the topic to one half of the class while the other half hung out at the coffee place upstairs. Afterwards, he�d administer a similar post-test to measure the effect of being in the teaching group. The topic he chose, of all thing, was Star Trek. Turns out he�s one of those dudes with an encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek. Ungh. I was tickled by this, though I�ve told just about everyone this story, and no one else finds it terribly funny. Maybe it was one of those you-had-to-be-there things, because the lecture he delivered on Star Trek TNG�complete with PowerPoint�was priceless. He gave it in the same style and manner as regular class lectures, only it was minutiae about a scifi show. Anyway, for interested parties, here are some questions from the pre- and post- tests:
Which of the following is not a traditional Klingon dish or beverage?
A. Heart of Targ
B. Rokeg blood pie
C. Tong Vey
D. Bloodwine
E. Gagh
I guessed right on this one

The inventor of warp speed technology was:
A. Zefram Cochrane
B. Paul Manheim
C. Richard Daystrom
D. Noonien Soong
E. Tolian Soran

Which of the following is not one of Jean-Luc Picard�s career accomplishments or life experiences?
A. Published scientific papers on the subject of archaeology
B. Won the Starfleet Academy Marathon as a freshman
C. Took over command of the U.S.S. Stargazer when its captain was killed
D. Defeated the Borg at the Battle of Wolf 359
E. Mind-melded with Sarek, Spock�s father

The place where the Enterprise was repeatedly destroyed in a temporal causality loop was:
A. The Typhon Expanse
B. The Devron System
C. Celtris II
D. Veridian III
E. Farpoint Station

Okay, enough of this crap. Time to go and accomplish something.

no excuse for britney

2007-04-04 / 11:26 p.m.

The music I listen to at the gym is stuff that I wouldn�t listen to under normal, non-sweating circumstances. I guess I need a steady beat at a good tempo, regardless of whether or not the song sucks. Is there something special about the music that people exercise to, or am I a closeted teen pop/crap rock/hip hop fan. I doubt it�s the latter, because anything I listen to more than a handful of times at the gym becomes abhorrent to listen to in any other setting. Alas, that is how I ruined most of �D�nde Est�n Los Ladrones.� About half of the tracks on that album make me think of the stink of the ASC gym in the morning, the anxiety of getting there before some other chick took the good equipment, the discomfort and boredom of jogging on a glorified hamster wheel�.. Actually, I�m pretty sure that�s why I started procuring music with the specific intention of jogging/walking/ellipticaling/stationary biking/stairmastering to it. Some atypical things I�ve habitually listened to while exercising this semester include songs by artists such as OutKast, Britney Spears, Destiny�s Child and ::sob:: Prodigy.

Comps are over. Still busy. I wish I wasn�t about to start a job though. I want to be a student for a long time. Then marry a hot professor and have hot intellectual pillow talk and maybe produce an (that means just one) exceptionally bright and precocious child who will have all my good qualities (wit, attractive mouth) and none of my bad qualities (big legs, social retardation, high risk for alcoholism).

Cheers to Germany! Warsteiner is a delicious beer.
Cheers to China! The knockoff FM adapter I ordered off ebay works better than the ones that plug into the headphone jack, and cost $30 less than the griffin ones that plug into the port�and that�s including shipping!
Cheers to some UGA student who dropped a $10 bill on the ground! I bought beer with it!

I got new glasses, since my last pair has been missing since August. Not only have I been struggling to see the presentations in org. theory, but I�ve gotten on the highway going the wrong direction at least twice because of inability to discern the word �south� from the word �north� �.oh, and when I say �wrong direction,� I�m talking about, �oops! I�m on 85 South, and I needed to be on 85 North!� and not talking about �OH MY GOD I�M GOING NORTH ON 85 SOUTH AND I�M ABOUT TO HAVE A HEAD ON COLLISION HOLY SHIT.� �..anyway. I like the new specs, but I�m thinking I might have to exchange the frames and/or have my prescription reevaluated. The frames are small and pleasantly funky, but I keep glancing above or below the lenses instead of through them. This almost resulted in me falling down a flight of stairs. Also, I think there might be a problem with the prescription, at least in one eye. When I look up while wearing them, it�s almost as if my eyes are crossing or something. Focusing takes a second, and involves some eye confusion. I think it�s the astigmatism correction�my last glasses didn�t have it, but the ones before them (that I hardly ever wore) did, and it�s a little wonky.

It�s high time my mother and I have separate ebay accounts, but neither of us wants to give up the good rating on the account we share. I�m not thrilled about my mother seeing the things I buy and sell, and I�m sick of slogging through 20 different cat cremation ash urns on my watched items list.

Easter? I barely know her. But seriously, good job, Jesus. I hope my soul goes someplace nice when I die. I intend to try Chrurch again someday, I think. Not today though. And certainly not on Easter�.what a circus that is. Back when my family was a Churchgoin� family, we didn�t go on Easter Sunday or Christmas because of the ridiculous crowds. It was almost like a tradition.

I should go to bed now, but I�m paranoid that I�m going to die in my sleep. Nothing�s wrong with me, just a semi-random paranoid burst. If I�m going to die tonight, I�d rather be awake wanking around on the internet than just wasting time sleeping. Roger says I�d rather go in my sleep, I told him this wasn�t the case, but he insisted that �I didn�t really know� and that he was sure I�d rather go in my sleep. Well, Roger is wrong. I only want to die in my sleep if I�m old�that would be nice, I think. If I�m still young, I want to be aware of everything. Even if Roger-know-it-all is right in his insistence that I wouldn�t be able to handle the situation well if I knew I was dying, I still want to be awake for it, soaking up every second of hysteria and fear. I can�t stand it when people think they know better than I do about what�s going on in my head.

Buzz buzz, words words. I guess I�m going to have to give up and go to bed before long. Since I�ll almost definitely make it through the night alive, I still have to turn in my internship paper as well as my PolicyII prospectus by Friday. ::sigh::