Fiction

2002-11-11 / 6:02 p.m.

I've had the burn to write fiction lately. I think I would really enjoy committing some time to trying to write, but it's discouraging because everything I write never turns out as good as I want it to. Furthermore, even if I did get through writing anything all the way through, I don't have the balls enough to show it to anyone. I don't know exactly what it is that makes me so insecure...maybe I'm just afraid of conformation that I really do suck. Sigh. I'm going to keep up though, or at least try. Still, the more I think about it, the more I want to write something, anything. Maybe I'm just retarded. In a similar vein, I hope to get involved with the school's newspaper next semester. I had the best intentions to this semester, but the stuff just got started at a bad time. I just need to get some brass ones, and learn to deal with the potential of rejection.

Michelle, during a convorsation about pole dancing, tells me that she's heard that pole dancing aerobics are all the rage now. Hahahaha. Thought #1: Michelle should take pole dancing aerobics...it would really loosen her up. Thought #2: I can just picture upper middle class soccer moms trading in their "jazzercise" programs for a pole dancing class. This both illicits a chuckle and the urge to vommit.

Weird occurance of the day...I was sitting in my spanish classroom early...about a half hour before the class started. Incedentally, I was trying my hand at a short story again...but anyway, this woman comes in and sits down. She's dressed rather matronly and was probably in her late 40's. I continued what I was doing....then she looks at me, as if she just noticed my presence, and asks "Is there a class in here?!". I reply: "yes". The woman thinks for a minute, purses her lips, then says "Okay, well you can ignore me, I'm just going to do some neck exercises" and proceeds to sit on the floor and roll her neck around, while taking audibly deep breaths and sighing loudly. She left as mysteriously as she appeared

Biology was both interesting and a little disconcerting today....We were looking at human fetuses....both tissue samples and whole preserved specimen at various stages of development. I found it really really interesting, but I think that I must be a horrible person, because everyone else seemed a lot more shaken about it than I was. I worry sometimes that I'm too desensitized to things. I mean, looking at developing humans in jars was strange, and tends to make me a touch comtemplative, but I wasn't hurt by them. I'm aware that these fetuses were certainly not harvested for this purpose, they were all naturally aborted for some reason or another. Maybe it's just my love of biology...sometimes I consider going into it, but after a reality check, I'm quite sure that I wouldn't enjoy, nor be able to handle upper level coursework; and more importantly, I don't think it's something I'd want to do for the rest of my life.

Rachel, a friend of mine here at school, asked me tonight about the whole blog/diary/journal phenomenon. While talking to her about the whole cultish and voyeuristic idea of publishing your thoughts/ideas/feelings on the internet. It makes me question why I do this. I can't hide under the guise that I use it as a forum for any important ideas and beliefs, because it is so rarely dedicated to those things. My old page was funny sometimes, but more often than not, just boring....yet I still continue to write. My goal for this new page is to make it more interesting to read, because if it isn't, it's really a useless thing, isn't it? I think I just like writing, I enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper, and if people want to read it: fine. It gives me a sense of satisfaction if even one person cares to read. I like to think that I'm still amusing to read sometimes too, but I may be wrong. Whatever. screw you :)

Okay boys and girls, it's time for me to be off now. I've got a meeting.