I've lost it. My sanity is completely gone.

2003-02-04 / 12:08 a.m.

ohhhhh, and the study abroad drama continues. After listening to my mother, Will, and several student guides praise studying in Spain, I'm beginning to feel my resolve to go to Argentina slip. There are also financial issues that point to Spain being the better option that aren't even worth typing out. I've made appointments with both the coordinator of study abroad in Spain, and the one for Latin America. Tomorrow is my self-imposed deadline to commit to a location. Argh. I hate myself and my inability to decide and commit. I hate the self-doubt that's following me around. Right now though, I'm leaning toward Spain, even though the programs seem a little harder to handle. That has scared me off for awhile, but, the more I think about it, the more I can see myself wanting to go to Spain. The most glaring problem is curriculum though...Most the Universities that I could go to through Butler in Argentina have good political science programs, while the ones offered in Spain really don't on the whole....Universidad Compultense De Madrid does, but I don't think I can get into that program, since it's only recommended for fluent spanish speakers. I can't honestly find classes beneficial to my major at either of the other possible locations. So, this train of thought sends me back to going to Argentina. I don't know what to do, I want to cry. or vomit. or both. Academcially, the Argentina programs are much more attractive. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep will clear my mind a little bit, and I'll know what to do in the morning. Rather than the nightmares that have been plaguing me for the past few nights, tonight, I want to dream of taking a semester to study abroad in a really interesting place (be it Argentina or Spain--because either would be awesome), learning all about a new culture, and learning to speak Spanish so well that I'm barely distinguishable from an iberioamericana. ::sigh:: If only it were that easy. I'm starting to be taunted by the thought that doing a semester abroad isn't even really going to work. Thanks for bearing with me while I write out what's on my brain, it really helps me focus.

I think that I'm more stressed than I think I am....does that make any sense? Michelle and I had a breif discussion about this earlier...I've been having trouble sleeping through the night. Apparently, accoring to Michelle the room mate, I've been crying out in my sleep at nights. She said it must be stress...and my initial response was that she was wrong. She has to be wrong. I'm not that stressed. I'm fine....but you know what....I am pretty stressed. Between the car, classes this semester, money, fencing club, running for senate, the problems with my mother, and this hulking problem of where to study next spring....I'm stressed. I'm very stressed. Ack! and when did it get so late?! I really need to go to bed, though I doubt I'll be able to get much sleep. For all you kids keeping tally at home, Argentina is winning right now because of the fact that the course offerings are much much better. Spain is falling to second, because, for as much as I'd love to go, I have to have relevant classes to take, and neither feasible choice in Spain has those relevant classes.